Such Great Heights

Quick Post...

2006-09-11T16:35:00.000-04:00

...due to uncommon amounts of homework/practicing/auditions.

-LOVE SCHOOL. Will get back to you individuals individually as soon as I get to my e-mail!
-LOVE SCHOOL but am not too happy with Physics or all my homework right now.
-am SIXTEEN and do not have my licence yet. Like, WHY ALL THE HOMWORK!?
-enjoying violin but am not so into auditioning with a piece I haven't played properly for three months...
-loving piano, should find some time to practice
-not really caring about the causes of the French Revolution atm, but will try to write something half decent anyway/
-am not really into writing an essay tonight, but will, after audition. Late at night. When all my thoughts are GONE.
-am LEAVING to do...

GUESS...

OHHHH you GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!

HOMEWORK.

Obviously I'm not too down or else I wouldn't be hyper like this but I HAVE TO GO GOODBYE HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY LOVE SCHOOL BECAUSE IT'S A GOOD THING TO LOVE.

summer ends

2006-08-30T11:57:00.000-04:00

Well, really. I suppose I should give some notice if I decide not to blog for a while. :)

This summer has been a blast. So busy and so fun. Pictures from Alberta coming soon! And the cottage...and camp...and the cottage again, and then again. I'm not going to attempt to write about the summer; I can just start clean here.

School starts in 6 days... It's going to be absolutely SO busy, but I'm looking forward to it all.

This is, I suppose, a little message to let you know I'm coming back. Nothing more, but perhaps when I have more to say.

and again

2006-07-12T14:38:00.000-04:00

more pictures that Tala didn't show but that I like

2006-07-12T10:37:00.000-04:00

Alberta

2006-07-05T17:09:00.000-04:00

I’m in Alberta right now, sitting in the doorway of the patio of our little 80’s chalet. We’ve been here over a week now. This has been a lovely vacation. Climbing mountains, riding horses, visiting friends, relaxing, going to museums, everything. I had never seen real mountains before this trip. Now I know. They are so amazing and big and comforting and scary at he same time. I love how I can feel so safe between mountains but how aloneness seeps through and lets a kind of transparent fear in. It’s not really a fear of nature, it’s a fear of being somewhere for long periods of time without people. But in the city there’s a fear too. People are everywhere but when you see the homeless ones lying on blankets under trees and people biking or skateboarding along with nothing really to do or stupid boys who have nothing better to do but whistle at your body or hair, you don’t feel any closer to humanity than you do out in the mountains. Either way, I think what matters is who you are experiencing your life with. It comes down to who and what you love. That’s what makes you close to humanity.
I’ve become more interested in people lately. Not that I wasn’t before, but I think about them more and who I am in relation. I am going to watch people more now, purposefully. It involves being quiet, so I’ll have to work on it! But I think through knowing more about other people you find out more about yourself.
Anyway, Alberta. Yesterday we went to the Glenbow Museum in Calgary. Museums are never bright, and this one was cold. The layout and design was very good though, and there was much to learn. Everyone was quiet and there weren’t too many people there. One woman exclaimed over and over about the battles and how interesting it is that we have designed so many ways to hurt each other. They were slow and we passed them. In the next section, on Greece, Egypt, and Rome (country, country, city), there was a little boy who was obviously very smart and I knew his Mom read books to him. He watched the movies with intelligence as his little sister squirmed on her father’s shoulders. They moved on, and the boy talked with his father. “I’m not looking for gods Dad, I want heroes!”
Later we walked out on Stephan Street, a street for people not cars. Meghan and I bought bracelets in one of the stalls and there was a young man – think partially ghetto or gangster - playing the bagpipes. He didn’t play boring things; he was interesting and I wanted to stay on that section of the street forever, listening to him. But he stopped, and we moved on. And anyway, there’s a truth about forever and I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
I’m reading Housekeeping right now, by Marilynne Robinson. I like how she writes, “It is…difficult to describe someone, since memories are by their nature fragmented, isolated, and arbitrary as glimpses one has at night through lighted windows.” Maybe that’s why when I try and figure people out I can’t, not as a whole anyway. On Saturday we visited friends of Dad’s and I met new people. I’ve been trying to figure out who they are, without knowing them. These are private thoughts, but it has to do with finding who you are and being content. I have trouble doing that, here in the city.
Today is a relaxing day. We’re going to eat a late lunch now, and then I think I’ll ask Dad to come play basketball with me.
It’s weird, now that I’m in a mood for writing, there’s so much I could say. I’m going now though, and when I write next it won’t be the same. There’s writing and thoughts then, that are lost. But this is good for now. Hope your holidays are coming up roses!

suddenly, suddenly, i am small and the world is big

2006-06-13T20:28:00.000-04:00

Provincials. I woke up early on Sunday morning and Mom and I left for London. It made me tired, that day. I played pretty well. You know, pleasing enough, but I can do better next time, kind of playing. Musical theatre is SO fun to listen to. Especially when the singers are good. Back, listening to my class, I almost fell asleep listening to Gabriello Pitman play. He had such beautiful melody line...I was sitting in a stiff chair, 1:30 in the afternoon, my dress strap was hurting, a little lecture room with a piano, the second movement of the Pathetique...and slowly, slowly, eyes close and his music watches over me as... But of course one does not fall asleep. One must not...
The workshop. Performing is not about you. Performing is about giving the music to the audience.

selah

I don't want to talk it really. I never do, after a festival or competition. Obviously, to the first few people, but then I am tired of telling. It seems as if I just want to remember and not talk about it. That happens to me other times too. Like when I am sitting in the car, quietly, and I see something. I don't tell anyone about it. Not because I want it to remain mine, but because it doesn't need to be said. Sometimes I just like to be quiet.

einde

I worry about how I will remember things. Like when I am older, I won't remember how I felt at provincials. I will remember playing in it maybe, but not what I felt. That's the part I want to remember. So, write it down. But sometimes, when I read what I wrote a year ago or something I don't like it. Down-right DO NOT LIKE IT. /ugh-how-could-i-write-like-that. Of course, I'll feel that way about this writing in a few months. It's because I don't like my writing and I don't feel I write well. In essays I can, I supposed, but nothing personal. Maybe I need to work on it. And you know, if it's on paper, I can always burn it.

parada

"'Where does rain come from?' the boy asked his sister, who was older.

She knew about clouds, but she said, 'It comes from the moon.'

The boy didn't believe her. He threw a pinecone straight up into the air and said, 'Umbrellas on the moon!'"

~Michael Laser, The Rain

about that time again...

2006-05-25T13:58:00.000-04:00

I have five minutes before a piano student comes and I was thinking of my poor neglected blog and thought I'd add a little update.

We went up to the cottage, went for a hike, got terribly lost, had a heck of a time anyway. I drove the motorboat and loved it, skimming across the cold water, with the air whipping around so hard that it pushes tears to run sideways on my face. Our cousins were up with us, in their cottage, a minute or two by boat. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who has grown up, but then times like this show me reality. I wondered what will happen when our families don't get together much anymore, when I'm in university and he's doing whatever. We won't see each other much. It's hard to know what to talk about too, when the only thing you have in common is your family. But I really love it. I love them being close and how we are all part of each other's lives. It's a look into who they are, and also who I am. Who I've come from and what I want to keep, what I want to change, and what I might not like but what I need to know.

Time to teach.

alone

2006-05-15T08:26:00.000-04:00

She sits alone, near the front of the church. She does not smile, and her dyed-red head is bowed.
In the fellowship hall, she stands alone as people whisper, "My condolences dear..." "She had so much life to give yet..."

Last TuesdayBetty Spolstra died. She was our organist and it's amazing how much she gave to the church, and to each individual person. She played a concerto with my once, my little miniature concerto. Everyone loved her.

*_*_*_*

"i wouldn't want to spend forever with you."

ambition gives way to desperation...

dreams of dancing

partners disappear, new ones come

who is better?

can i learn?

not yet, but i think i'm falling in love...

waits...

2006-05-10T19:34:00.000-04:00

the clock never stops, never stops, never waits. she's growing old, it's getting late...

thoughts that God won’t let a little girl go to hell as tears drip into the waiting tea cup.

sore thighs from awkward sleeping positions. (music, not life...?)

what if I'd been born fifty years before you, in a house on the street where you lived? maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike, would I know?

Now that the festival is done, I have to get on with life. School, regularly. Heh, that's hard to get back into.

the end is growing near

and we're treading water now

and holding back our tears

and the day is rising, we're sinking...

"I saw her, and other people, with that, and I wanted it too." "I don't; we're so different." "hehe, yeah I know."

*ben folds

good.

2006-05-02T11:17:00.000-04:00

I won another class! And this time I'm very happy. :) I guess things just look better in the morning.

Don't get me wrong (Joel), I LOVE festivals. They're so fun, and rewarding (usually), and playing over and over is really exciting. Just, when you have 17 things you've supposed to do, in two festivals, in two weeks, it gets taxing.

So because I won this class, I'm also competing in senior finals. Junior on Wednesday, and senior on Thursday. I love performing.

good. bad.

2006-05-01T21:16:00.000-04:00

I won a trophy in the Brantford festival. That was nice. I'm not exciting about it right now because all I can think about is the bad things that happened in the Hamilton festival. AND I don't have a good attitude about it.

1) Winning DOES NOT matter. It really doesn't. It's not a stupid little thing they tell small children. It doesn't matter.
2) I must NOT be ashamed. (But I don't know how not to be.)
3) I must not compare myself repeatedly to other people. "Don't look over your shoulder..."
4) I must not expect miracles. Not yet.
5) I must not be sad. (I started to cry.)

If I can abide by those rules, maybe I'll be OK.

Good luck, me.

all around the world - atc

2006-04-24T12:33:00.000-04:00

The kisses of the sun - Were sweet I didn't blink
I let it in my eyes - Like an exotic drink
The radio playing songs - That I have never heard
I don't know what to say - Oh not another word

Just - la la la la la - It goes around the world
Just - la la la la la - It's all around the world
Just - la la la la la - And everybody's singing
La la la la la - And now the bells are ringing

La la la la la - la la la la la la la - la la la la la - la la la la la la la
La la la la la - la la la la la la la - la la la la la - la la la la la la la

Inside an empty room - My inspiration flows
Now wait to hear the tune - Around my head it goes
The magic melody - You want to sing with me
Just la la la la la - the music is the key

And now the night is gone - Still it goes on and on
So deep inside of me - I long to set it free
I don't know what to do - Just can't explain to you
I don't know what to say - Oh not another word

Just - la la la la la - It goes around the world
Just - la la la la la - It's all around the world
Just - la la la la la - And everybody's singing
La la la la la - And now the bells are ringing

La la la la la - la la la la la la la - la la la la la - la la la la la la la
La la la la la - la la la la la la la - la la la la la - la la la la la la la
The kisses of the sun

La la la la la - It goes around the world
Just - la la la la la - It's all around the world
Just - la la la la la - And everybody's singing
La la la la la - And now the bells are ringing

La la la la la - la la la la la la la - la la la la la - la la la la la la la
La la la la la - la la la la la la la - la la la la la - la la la la la la la

That's how I feel.

twinkle

2006-04-23T21:00:00.000-04:00

we were all squished and cozy and invasive and happy. later we talked about it.

"i don't know what love is anymore. at least, not that kind. i've never been in love."

"me neither."

**

"i wonder what's gonna happen to us. where are we going? everything will be different than we imagine."

"i think, that in two months, everything will be so different. and that two months isn't that long, so we'll know soon. and then after that, another two months. and another, and another."

"there's a distinct taste of hope in that sentence."

"yes. it keeps me patient really."

**

"we are alike like two honey bees, like pigeons in the trees, like green apples with the same bite bitten."

**

"trickle, trickle, SPANGLE"

"rumble, wink, GLORY"

hehe

2006-04-23T17:57:00.000-04:00

1. Choose an artist/band.
Azure Ray

Answer these questions with track titles from this artist:

2. Are you male or female?
How do You Remember

3. Describe yourself.
Displaced

4. What do some people think you are like?
Other Than This World

5. How do you feel about yourself?
We Are Mice

6. Describe where you want to be.
Favourite Cites

7. Describe how you live.
Safe and Sound

8. Describe how you love.
Hold on Love

9. What would you ask for if you had one wish?
A Thousand Years

10. Share a few words of wisdom.
Beautiful Things Can Come From the Dark

11. Where do you live?
Raining in Athens

12. What are you doing?
I Will Do These Things

13. Say goodbye.
Sleep

( )

2006-04-22T11:05:00.000-04:00

I just finished my first festival class. It was a quick study class, where you pick up the piece 48 hours before you play. And...I won with a 93! I don't think the other classes will go so well, but we'll see.

Er, yeah, four sentences...

after a violin lesson

2006-04-19T12:31:00.000-04:00

The next two weeks are going to be crazy... Practicing, performing, learning, practicing, working, baking (just once mind you), practicing, sleeping (once in a while), practicing, growing wide-eyed from nerves, sore throats after performing, freaking out because I'm not ready, practicing...

SHA LA LA LA LA...

It's weird. So much pressure, so much to do, so much to be sad and angry about, and I'm happy. My body is tired and my legs, fingers, and back hurt, and I just want to be outside biking or playing basketball, only I can't, because I have to practice. But I'm happy.

I wish I would practice 4 hours of piano a day and 1 1/2 hours of violin. If I did that, I might be ready for the festival. :P

If anyone pressed the pause button and wanted to fly with me to Florida I would very happy!! I want to press my toes into hot sand and walk along beaches filled with people. I want to go to a big resort and relax in the hot tubs. Or swim in the ocean in the middle of the night. I want to walk around the beach-side towns in flip flops feeling sticky with sweat. I want to eat tons of ice cream and not get cold.

I'll go practice piano now.

passion

2006-04-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

They ate, we eat, the blood of Christ, the body of their Saviour.

“‘My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death: tarry ye here, and watch.’”

“‘Art thou the Christ, the Son of the Blessed?’ And Jesus said, ‘I am: and ye shall see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.’”

“‘I know not this man of whom ye speak.’”

“He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.”

“He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth.”

“And they clothed him with purple, and platted a crown of thorns, and put it about his head.”

“‘Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?’”

My God, my God…

“Joseph of Arimathaea, an honourable counsellor, which also waited for the kingdom of God, came, and went in boldly unto Pilate, and craved the body of Jesus.”

“They have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.”

“Jesus saith unto her, ‘Mary’. She turned herself, and saith unto him, ‘Rabboni’; which is to say, Master.”

“Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

“And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them, and carried up into heaven.”

“And they worshipped him, and returned to Jerusalem with great joy: And were continually in the temple, praising and blessing God. Amen.”

*Paintings by William Hole.

*Passages from Isaiah, Mark, Luke, and John.

be hurt

2006-04-06T18:36:00.000-04:00

The recital went very well. They gave me a rose. European style.

I just had a piano lesson and it went horribly. I don't practice enough and the festival is in two weeks. I sound TERRIBLE. I've never been this least prepared before. I am ashamed and angry.

To write or play music well: "Fall in love, fall out of love, be hurt. To have success, a nerve must be touched, you need life experience. [...] Make mistakes, but don't repeat them."

I have been hurt, but too often by myself. I don't have much life experience. I have made mistakes and repeated them.

more pressure = more concentration?. more crying.

I need to accomplish things. I want to be proud of myself. I can't only try halfway. When I do, I want to hide.

2 am

2006-04-03T12:06:00.000-04:00

"i'm scared, really."

"maybe you have lifephobia."

We laugh.

she said, don't worry, God is in control. I know, but I don't pray enough.

"you want to start over, I just want to continue."

{concert}

2006-04-02T09:21:00.000-04:00

I have a recital this afternoon. I was going to go to church, but I just remembered I had to read the passage, and we were running sooo late, and i hadn't done my bangs yet (oh yeah, I got a fringe!!) and I was starting to freak out. Mom said, "All right, would you just like to stay home? A person can't do too much in one day. And I'll read for you." So I said that yes I would like to. So here I am. I think I'll eat some breakfast, clean my room, take the dog out, and then either watch TV or go back to bed. And then I'll practice my piece for a bit, and then maybe I'll go back to bed again.
Cheers.

2006-03-20T09:24:00.000-05:00

Everyone is so busy because there are so many opportunities for us today. I'm sure we could all live 500 years and always have something to do. It's too hard to choose from all these things, too hard to fit it all in 80 years.
I don't know what to do when my parents say, you're old enough now, we have given you this, now you have to choose what to do with it.
I don't know how to choose between some of the best things that have happened to me. I don't know if what I say I want is really what I want. What if it isn't and I waste so much that mattered?
I don't know if I make the right choices. Maybe I do everything wrong.
Then sometimes I know exactly what I want. I say, it doesn't matter if I don't have this for a bit, because I will have something else. And then maybe waiting will make things turn out better. I can't know for sure, but maybe there is a little hint in those choices I have and will make.

***************

Friday night Jess came over and came with me to baby-sit my kids. They pretended they didn't notice her, until the oldest girl said, I want that one to put me to bed. I love the way they hug and kiss. I say, Alex, give me a kiss! He kisses my cheek and puts an arm around my neck and says 'awww'. Belle does that too. It's so sweet. :)

***************

Is it sad that our "memories depend on that faulty camera in our minds"?

***************

I heard somewhere that life is all about love. It sounded cheesy. But yesterday I thought about the two commandments Jesus gave, and realized they were about love. So maybe we can say life is about love without being cheesy.

**************

a little farther away from me.

2006-03-13T20:58:00.000-05:00

My brother and I go for a walk. We take the dog and it is dark. I am not scared; perhaps just having another person is strength, even if he is nine years old. He tells me about a song he made up and we talk about clothes and drugs.
At the park, I wipe the swing off from the morning rain and give the dog's leash to Kenton. The clouds cover my part of the world and offer a big kind of protection. I am swinging and my feet touch the clouds, I am so high. Then I notice the moon. In and out of the clouds, it shines so brightly, intensely. I reach out my hand because I want to hold it. Kenton does not notice me but he says, "Look at the moon! It's so close, it feels like you could just grab it in your hands!"
"Maybe we could fly to it." I want to be part of the sky, of space, of Heaven. A change, a conception of Heaven, not space... I want to fly. 'Ways to get there, F. fly'
He wants to fly too. I say maybe we just need to believe.
The clouds cover the moon again and it does not shine on us. Kenton says, "It is impossible. We can't fly to the moon."
I get off the swing and give Kenton a turn as I walk the dog around the park.
We go home, and I ask Kenton if he grabbed the moon. He says he did, at least he held a piece of the moon. Then he tells me that maybe, if he ever goes into space, he will bring a big bucket. He will land on the moon and he will fill the bucket with stuff from the moon. He will bring a rock back for me. I say, "If you do, we will remember now, and how we wanted to grab the moon. And then you will take pieces of the moon, and bring them down."

"Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window..."

When I am flying in the sky, I am happy.

2006-03-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

dream and wonder because it probably won't come true. and when it does you back off because it was supposed to be a dream, not reality.

such thin people because we're afraid of being fat.
afraid of being too thin.

i asked you to ask about me. someone did, and i don't care if it was shallow and thin.

"she's in the kitchen crying by the oven: it seems she really loved him."

the longer you live the more beautiful your life becomes. i'll just take your word for it.

totally consumed with time.

school is a vacant lot right now. i am so mad at myself for not working hard enough, even though i often work from morning to night. it's hard to fall asleep when you're constantly trying to push away thoughts of failure.

"i can't talk, but i like to know you're there, you know? just to see your name." there are many names i would like to see. all in different places. i would like to see how that names fits there, and how her name looks in this place.

God is love.
love is watching someone die.
what happens when God watches someone die?
you've been loved.
someday you will be loved.
who's gonna watch you die?
if there's no one there when your soul embarks, i'll follow you into the dark.
the past is all that's gone, the future is yet to come, this moment is all our own. we should live this way, just building up our day, now and forever.

"squeak is one." he said. "like when you step on a floor and it squeaks." "floors don't squeak." said the other. "if they did say that, i'm sure you would jump right out of your skin. do you see what i mean?" "yes," and he leaves the onomatopoeia for someone else.

coming.

2006-02-18T11:27:00.000-05:00

I thought eternal things were supposed to last. We were in Ottawa this week and the Eternal Flame went out. It was kind of funny. :)

We bought many prints at the Art Gallery and I can't wait to plaque them and hang them up! But first I'll have to paint my room. Should be exciting...

So yes, to continue very quickly... We went to the symphony and saw James Ehnes. It was an on-a-whim sort of thing and we got very cheap tickets and had a wonderful time! We bought one of his CDs (with a song I'm playing on it) and he signed it. Also, he stayed in the same hotel as us and we heard him practicing twice.
We saw an IMAX on Kilimanjaro. It made me want to climb mountains.
I love parliament. We got a normal tour of the centre block, and a private tour of east block. That made me want to work in parliament.
We went shopping. That's all that needs to be said. :P
We went to the grand opening for the Institute of Marriage and Family. One speaker was very good, the other was good too, but shouldn't have spoken at the grand opening.
We saw Stephan Harper getting out of his car. He was wearing a blue scarf.
We watched Pride and Prejudice. I really liked it. :)
Skating on the Rideau Canal was very fun and beaver tails are yummy!

There, a quick summary of our trip.

I love cities. I said, it's like you step out of your room and the whole world is right there at your feet. lol, Moulin Rouge. I want to live in the middle of the world.

Now I'm home again and I have to think of normal things again...

*_*_*_*_*

...So now the moral to this tale is if your love should fail
Pick your heart up off the ground
You see, love comes down when you're nowhere around
It's just the way things have got to be

And things have changed, and they're only getting better...

(Some Things, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy)

nothing nothing nothing.....

2006-02-07T11:45:00.000-05:00

Sometimes my head is so blank, and I do nothing except the normal things that I can do by habit. I think nothing unusual, and if I do I push it to the back of my mind. It's not happiness, it's not sorrow, it's normality.
It's weird: I love routine, but sometimes I can hardly stand it. I guess that's when there hasn't been a proper break in the schedule.

I really have nothing to say on here lately. I feel boring and I hate my writing. I guess I have nothing to say about the world. Nothing to say that I'll write on here at least.

My conclusion: I will blog when I am moved to do so. That might not be for awhile...but I'll see what I can do.

memory

2006-01-25T22:07:00.000-05:00

I love C.S. Lewis. I just finished reading The Great Divorce and I really enjoyed it. I underlined a lot... One page is all underlined. It's kind of noticable. *grin* Some quotes:

"'Not only this valley but all their earthly past will have been Heaven to those who are saved. Not only the twilight in that town, but all their life on Earth too, will then be seen by the damned to have been Hell. That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. and of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and i'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. [...] The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven," and the Lost, "We were always in Hell." And both will speak truly.'"

"Ah, the Saved...what happens to them is best described as the opposite of a mirage. What seemed, when they entered it, to be the vale of misery turns out, when they look back, to have been a well; and where present experience saw only salt deserts, memory truthfully records that the pools were full of water."

"What concerns you is the nature of the choice itself: and that ye can watch them making."

I could go on and on! But I'll leave with one more quote from another Lewis book I read in 9th grade (I think): Out of the Silent Planet.

"...How could we endure to live and let time pass if we were always crying for one day or one year to come back - if we did not know that every day in a life fills the whole life with expectation and memory and that these are that day?"

Sorry, but I just really really like these books...

i want it to be gone

2006-01-15T21:42:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I could do penance for my sins. It would seem like more concrete forgiveness. Or maybe I could confess to a priest, but really, I don't think I could actually summon myself to do that. I would be too embarrassed to tell someone all my faults and wrongdoings. I know God is gracious and forgives me many times over, but sometimes I’m just not quite sure. Not quite sure of myself that is, whether I can accept that. If I had to do something, be punished, then maybe I would feel like I was forgiven when I was done the punishment. Of course, I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to me as a punishment. “Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face/Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward.” I never thought of myself as not being able to accept forgiveness, but I don’t think I can too easily. At least, not when I feel that I have done something very wrong. When my parents get me in trouble, I feel that I can accept forgiveness, but when it’s something I have done, quietly on my own, and where God is the only one I tell, I find it hard to believe that I could be forgiven, and not have to worry about it.

I guess it’s because I’m scared of myself.

Azure Ray

2006-01-09T20:37:00.000-05:00

Sleep

Fill these spaces up with days
In my room you can go you can stay
I can't sleep, I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked in my drawer
I'll open to see just to be sure
I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And so I'm reaching out for the one
And so I've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
And watching it pull my own light as it tips a shade of you

Hold my wine hold it in
Nobody's lost
but nobody wins

And I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And so I'm reaching out for the one
And so I've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message to shift my point of view
I'm watching through my own light as it turns the shade of you

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
...

Rest Your Eyes

you said to write you a song so here this is for you
so as you toss through those lonely nights
just know there's someone thinking of you
everyone's waiting for the timing to be right
and we hope it's coming soon
so just rest your eyes and we'll be in love again

we talked and the moon was bright
your words were glowing as they drifted out of sigh
tand now the change of season sets in
nothing nothing feels just right
we fear these nights and then we compromise
and the morning always comes
so just rest your eyes and we'll be in love

story?

2006-01-05T15:52:00.000-05:00

There was before, when I was companion to the Princess, and the worst thing I did was forget where to walk in line. Then there was after, where the loss was so great I hardly felt it.

I loved being in court. All the nobles watching, me a part of the Princess's entourage. I met people I never would have met. I loved despite flippant ways. We would stand for applause together, eat together, and share our secrets. We were so close and yet it was all so exotic. I was privileged to be part of this, and I knew it. It was a dream-like existence, and I reveled in what I was allowed to have. I was happy, and though it was a real happiness, I thought about it in a shallow way, forgetting who I was and who I was supposed to be. Sorrow seemed far away, and I fell in love with the prince. I forgot I wasn’t supposed to.

But it didn’t matter really. I think they really loved me. They kept me and fed my every wish with riches and velvet. It was wonderful. My mistakes could be overlooked, and they were.

Then there were months of silence and rumors. Rebellion built up because of something, I didn’t know, and maybe I didn’t care to know either. Revolution and exile. Simple, and here we were living in small places. It wasn’t nice really, but I supposed I managed. We got over the old wealth, I thought, and I began to have fun again.

My family came to me. I don’t know why. My old friends came back. I didn’t question, just smiled and again became close to them. Love held on, just, the royal family became more like us. More like I was supposed to be. We became one big family, all of us: royalty and commoners alike.

One day I walked into my house to find my mother standing there. Alone. Looking through the window at the other living places. I turned and saw what I had forgotten. There were soldiers everywhere, people captured, friends locked in their own houses. The soldiers were not nice. They hurt people. They hurt children. And I knew. They didn’t want us. They were going to kill us.

I turned to my mother who just stood there, looking silently. I ran to get my sister and I didn’t know where my little brother and daddy were. We weren’t supposed to talk loudly, because the soldiers under our windows might hear us. They hadn’t locked us up or hurt us yet. I don’t know why they didn’t find us.

But they did find us, after a while, when my brother came back. They were not nice and I did not know where my daddy was. I looked out, over our small houses and saw the devastation. People were crying and screaming I guess, I just didn’t notice. The soldiers didn’t care about us. They didn’t care that babies were left tied alone, screaming for mothers. They didn’t care that old people were gasping for breath, trying to hold on to life. They didn’t care about young woman and men, crying out for their beloved. They didn’t care about families and they didn’t care about me.

We were put on boats. They were going to drown us. It was dark outside but there were lights flashing and the water swirled below us. People were thrown into the water, yelling and sobbing as the boats rode over them, killing their existence and trying to erase their memory. These were the people I had come to love. These were the friends I needed.

My mother, siblings, and myself were put on a boat. Our turn next. We were sitting together, but did not talk, because there was a guard beside us. I put my hand on my mother’s knee, my sister’s leg, my brother’s hand. I didn’t know where daddy was. I wanted to tell them I loved them, that I loved them so very deeply, but I didn’t. I hoped they knew already.

In the water at first I didn’t know anyone but myself. The screaming was louder, but still I did not understand. Daddy called. I said, is that you. Both my parents swam to shore. I followed. I was the only one who followed.

We ran to shelter and we lived. Later, in the newspapers there were pictures and stories about the deaths. I saw him. I learned what happened to him. I didn’t know whether he had been saved. I didn’t think so.

They killed him. They killed my sister. They killed my brother. They killed all those people I loved and needed. They killed my reason to live. To love. I thought I knew who they were and I knew I would never forgive them. I didn’t care what I was supposed to do or be, I would not, I could not, ever forgive them.

It was with that pain of searing loss that I began to cry. There was nothing left of what had been before and I seemed alone. I could not handle it, because there was so much death and hate. I was a part of it.

candy hearts

2006-01-03T21:59:00.000-05:00

"Maybe they're carolers." - Meghan
"Oh, are they the people who believe in Santa?" - Kenton

"I remember when you used to be taller than me. You had so much authority." - Meghan to Andrea

not space

2005-12-31T12:58:00.000-05:00

We got back from the cottage last night. It was soooooo fun and I'm very glad-ish that we went. My grandparents were up half the time and my uncle and aunt and cousins were also there, in their own cottage, a few minutes away. We frequently walked from cottage to cottage just to say hi. I wish that my neighbourhood would be like that. I mean, that I knew enough people to do that. If all my friends would move within a mile or two radius...

Mythril and I went for a walk together on the last day.

I remember when, from years back when I was 7 or 8 years old, we were up at the cottage with some friends. The dads found a big hill and we went sledding on it. I remember, and I want to go there. I think I knew where it is so I tell Mom I am going and I bring a sled. I find it easily and sled down once. But I want to go further on the trail. I do, though Mom told me to stay on the road. It is beautiful, glistening with snow, and I wander the paths for a long time. One path is small and looks like a deer trail. The frozen ice and snow is so gorgeous that I do not want to leave it, but it goes too far from where I should be. I turn around. Back at the top of the first hill I sit down on the ground and Mythril lays beside me. Because of the path, there is an opening to the sky and I stare at the sun and the blue. The sun is low on the other side of the world and it glimmers through the treees. One tree with no leaves stands out. With the sun shimmering through, the frozen ice on the branches looks like dewdrops, or tears before they fall. The sun makes jewels. There are diamonds everywhere, shining in the snow, on the evergreen trees and on the one dead tree too, its arms frozen, pointing to the blue heaven and the white earth. Nothing but this place, my dog, and me remains. A concept of loneliness, yet in the protective forest there are no sad feelings. The sorrow is not ugly anymore and what was happiness turns into snow to sky to sun. Through the trees the sun bathes my thoughts. I am not cold. I look at the dead tree on the side of the path. I bury my face in Mythril's fur and tell him I love him. I look up and the sun has gone down lower. The jewels are turning black, the sky is not so blue. Frozen and cold is creeping back. The dewdrops on the one tree and gone, its tears fallen and lost. Shiver as happiness turns to happiness again and sadness is only half pushed away once more. The forest no longer seems so loving and I tell Mythril we must go. I sled down the big hill and I am laughing and Mythril is play fighting me all the way down. I don't really remember how cold crept back in but I go home without stopping again. Concept of more has returned but the jewels in the sun are remembered. Does heaven seem any closer in that blue?

to clarify

2005-12-14T09:56:00.000-05:00

I do know what I think about God and I'm glad I do. And, I even know what I think about me. (Call that a bit melodramatic last post. :P) I just need to think more. Everyone does though.

********

I have a piano recital tonight. I need to make sure my piece is memorized. I've played it twice in the last month. *sigh* I'm not going to have lessons for a while. Till January.

********

I have a new violin teacher! We're going to have one lesson on Friday, and then I think we'll start again in January. I am excited.

********

This has been very bland.

after

2005-12-12T10:12:00.000-05:00

I think it went pretty well. I don't really want to talk about it. I don't know why. Ask me in real about it if you're interested. If not, it doesn't matter because it's only one exam see, and it's not a big deal. Maybe not, anyway. I am not really sure.

********

I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone. Half of me doesn't want to, but the other half is...ashamed? perhaps, to be where I am. I feel as if I should go somewhere else, do something else. I don't want to be mediocre. I am angry, at myself and the world. I don't want to be like the rest, but I also want to be exactly like them, to fit in. If I could just stay in one mindset.

i don't even know what i think about God.

last hours

2005-12-08T22:51:00.000-05:00

Last hours before the music history exam. I'm almost "done" the studying I'm going to do, and that is all just reading and reviewing, but only by reading. After that I can't do anything else. It's stupid to do a 3 - 6 month course in 3 - 4 weeks. I'll try not to do it again. Of course, even if I get a bad mark, I'm sure I'll pass and that's all I need I guess. Course I don't want a bad mark because then it doesn't look very nice on my Grade 10 average. I can always do the exam again though. It won't be the end of the world.
I feel like crying. I feel lik laughing. I feel like running around the world, forgetting everything. I feel like sleeping, being warm, but not thinking about it, not thinking about anything. I feel like I want friends all around me. I feel like I want to be alone.

I was scared to death of eternity, I was saved by grace, but destroyed by naivety.

- Straylight Run, It's For the Best

After the exam, I want to read a book and have a long bath.

Shelve all of my regrets, mistakes I knew I was making... (Straylight Run)

running in stray light

2005-12-02T16:04:00.000-05:00

I feel as if I don't know what I believe or who I am anymore. I don't know how or why to do things. It's all in a jumble and I can't even decide what's wrong or right. Everything is confused and I can't figure it out. I like to have things in lists, or organized in some way, but I can't seem to do that for how I feel right now.

*****

Taken in context
It's not a bad thing
But when you start to pick it apart
It gets so depressing
It's that sort of thing
That makes you think too much
It's that sort of thing
That makes you lose your objectivity

So, if you made it
Just be glad that you did and stay there
If you ever feel loved or needed
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones
And if it's over
Just remember what I told you
It was bound to happen
So, just keep moving on
There's no perfect endings

You peel back the layers
And get down to the inside
But sometimes you lose sight
Of what it was you were trying to find
And it's that sort of thing
That makes you think too much
It's that sort of thing
That makes you lose your objectivity

So, if you made it
Just be glad that you did and stay there
If you ever feel loved or needed
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones
And if it's over
Just remember what I told you
It was bound to happen
So, just keep moving on
There's no perfect endings
No perfect endings

- Straylight Run, The Perfect Ending

*****

I wonder about the universe. Either space goes on forever or it stops. If it stops, we live in a box. Contained. If we live in a box, what is outside the box? Can we get out? Is there life outside the box? Is there meaning for our lives if we live in a box? I don't want to live in a box. So, I think space goes on forever. I think we just can't understand forever well enough to know what that means. Maybe that's why we search for meaning. Because there's more out there than we know about.

*****

"I'm helpless, and I didn't notice." - The Flaming Lips

*****

Music affects my mood so much. The song on the radio can change and I'll change suddenly too.

*****

I am never content these days. Unless enough things go the way I want them to. I'm so selfish.

*****

I think I am wonderful. I think I am horrible. I think I am the world. You are just part of it.

things i love

2005-11-27T13:05:00.000-05:00

Random things I like/love:

- the shadow of eyelashes
- youth group
- contacts
- hair that smells good
- my bed
- my dog when he rolls around in the snow, or runs in circles because he's so excited that there is snow
- going out anywhere with friends
- skating
- colours
- warm (or hot) water
- pictures
- good books

ebony and ivory

2005-11-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

Two days ago my brother and sister were watching TV, and I came up during a Mickey Mouse cartoon all about MUSIC!!! I’m not sure what happened in the beginning, but Mickey was having a dream where notes and music and parts of the piano were chasing him. The music was the third movement of the Moonlight Sonata. I love that piece, and I didn’t even mind them using it for a cartoon because it was done well! :P I think the music won the chase, but then Mickey woke up and looked at the clock. “Oh!” He said, “the recital!!” He ran over to a music hall, up the middle aisle and up the stairs to the stage. “Sorry I’m late,” he told Minnie. She humphed. They began to play a piano duet (their pianos were facing each other so they couldn’t see the other player…lol) and while Minnie played beautifully Mickey was having some troubles. I don’t remember everything that happened, but he had lots of troubles with his music falling down, his piano running away, and eventually the piano ate him and he got tangled in the strings and hammered the remaining strings with the broken hammers. The whole piano crashed right at the end. It was great!

Of course, I imagined all of this happening to me. But it didn’t! I did really well today: first place with an 88. So I’m done the festival now. I have a recital I’m playing in on Sunday and then I’m done for a long time. I’m going to stop piano lessons for a month and a bit because I really need to concentrate on Music History. Exam in less then a month and I haven’t even finished Unit 2 out of 6!

The picture is my piano. I’m not quite pleased with all the lighting but oh well, it was just a quick shot when I thought my piano looked nice.

continue

2005-11-15T16:43:00.000-05:00

I'm in a festival this week. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I had a piano lesson this morning, early, and it was longer than an hour and a half, and we just worked on one song. You wouldn't believe how horrible it is. I need to go and practice it too, because I have another 8:30 am lesson tomorrow. And then I compete at 2:55 pm. I really hope I do well, but I don't think I'll do that well because the song isn't very good and the adjudicator will be able to see through that.
School always gets compromised when I'm in a festival, even if I'm not practicing piano. My night sleeps are always compromised when I take naps. Reading for school is compromised when I read my own books. Why can a good thing make another good thing worse?

Shimmer

2005-11-07T12:49:00.000-05:00

Happy 13th birthday Shimmer! - light and shadows on the way, light at the end, walk with me, to eternity -

You don’t know how glad I am that our family met yours, five years ago. I wonder how much of a difference that night made, when you had to sleep over because the roads were too bad for you to go home. I remember that Meghan and Summer were “sleeping” downstairs, trying to fool your parents on how alike you and Meghan looked. You and I were lying on Meghan’s and my bed and I remember smiling up at you. I liked you from the beginning.

In your two-houses-ago house we loved to go to the park. Remember that boy who said rude things? Remember sledding? The black rabbit of death, with red eyes? Going down the staircase in sleeping bags? You and me went Shimmer, we laughed together. Meghan and Summer were too scared to go. We got in trouble. It didn’t matter, it was fun. Our friendship was growing.

You moved. I loved that house, and the houses around the corner. ‘Member the one time I came over and we watched three or four movies in one night/day? Your room was beautiful, so you, and I remember the drawings you always had posted up. Going downtown was always so fun. Big talks at the little bakery. Walks to everywhere and no where. You and me alone talking while Summer and Meghan ran ahead. Bare feet on the sidewalks, bodies lying on the grass. Costumes to the park. You were beautiful in living, you brought us happiness. Shimmer along, shimmer love, shimmer tears. Shimmer smile.

At last, you moved 13 minutes away from my house. I was so excited. It was only a few months ago and we are still making this house memories. I love the house you’re in. It’s so beautiful, and you and Summer made your rooms you again. I like working with you Shimmer. You read and I did chemistry. You have wonderful music tastes too! I love to hug you and I love when you hug me back. I love, I love, I love, but it’s true, I do. We have memories that need to be made. Like Locke street.

Shimmer, you are so beautiful in everything you do. Love for people, God, things, everything, it shines through you. Keep shining, shimmering.

Love with mountains of sprinkles!

~Andrea

Meghan

2005-11-04T09:43:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday Meghan!! My sister, 13, teenager.

I always thought of you as 13 anyway. You seem older than you are, with your long blonde hair and fine-featured face. Soon people won't ask who's older, they will assume you're older! - life of the beautiful, beautiful life, love -

I love the way I am with you. You know almost everything about me. You don't tell my secrets - too often. We dance in front of the mirror acting crazy and you laugh at me and I laugh at you, that "sisterly bonding time, Mom!"

Sometimes we fight and you are so annoying and stubborn, but so am I. Really, I don't like to fight with you and I pretend we didn't, but I don't say sorry too often. You understand though, you know that I am trying.

There are so many memories I could choose from, to say something about you.Playing dolls upstairs for hours on end in our last, last house. Running around Queen’s Park as though it were a playground. (That wasn’t that long ago and I’ll gladly do it again!) I love being crazy with you, because you’re just as crazy as I am.

I hope I have been and continue to be a great older sister. I know you’ve been an amazing little sister. You help me with my schoolwork (oh those biology definitions!), you listen to the music I want (most of the time :P), you know me so well. I hope this special relationship lasts forever! When we’re in university, just married, 40 years old with our own teenagers and/or kids, or in old-age homes.

I will be there for you all the time: when you feel happy, sad, annoyed, insecure, proud, ugly, joyful, unsure, incompetent, hyper, gorgeous, smilely, angry, depressed, loved… I’m so excited to go through life with you.

I don’t want to sit here and say “Remember, God loves you!” because you know that, even through all the questions you have and will have. So let it shine through your sky blue eyes, your crooked soon-to-be-in-braces teeth, your fluffy gorgeous blonde hair. – the corner of your lips, the orbit of your hips …– Show the world that you are you because of One.

I love you.

~Andrea

*picture by uber-spork.

2005-10-28T11:01:00.000-04:00

We went to Toronto last Saturday, my family and Grandma. First we visited the Art Gallery, which wasn’t too amazing because it was under construction so they only had a few exhibits. Halfway through Dad and Ken left to go to the CN Tower and an NHL game (yes, can you believe I didn’t go along!? Staying behind wasn’t my choice, believe me…) and we four girls stayed at the art gallery for a while more. Then we walked – in the rain – to an adorable little restaurant called Thai Paradise. (That's my picture. It liked like that except it was dark and raining.) So yummy! The atmosphere in the place was really neat too. We were the only ones there so I felt kind of bad for the owners. It was in an old townhouse type thing and they had it decorated so nicely with jazz music and everything. Overall, a great evening in Toronto. Grandma and Mom told lots of stories too, about the old days. I like that.
I love being in the city, but only if I’m with friends or family. I realized that when I was there. It’s weird; should it be that way?

Following Myself

2005-10-19T08:27:00.000-04:00

This picture was almost a whole year ago. November '04. My sister and Shimmer had a birthday party together (because their birthdays are so close) and we all dressed up like Shakespeare people. Well, we tried. Meghan and I wore Elvish dresses my Grandma made us. It looked close enough. :) We all picked different characters to be. I forget who I was, but Summer was my character’s best friend…I think it was from As You Like It. So, Celia and Rosalind. Don't remember who was who. It was fun, forgetting life for a while and being someone else. We were dancing to medival music in this picture. I'm in the back.

Do you see our souls walking in front of us?

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

There are two people who have changed my life. Well, OK, these people didn't exactly change my life, but they enhanced it. In a good way I think. Let me present to you...

The Donut Man and Mother Goose!!!!

*the clapping is deafening*

My sister and I were talking last night about how much we loved the movies when we were young. Mother Goose Goes to the Zoo was sooo cool and I remember some kids singing a song on a bridge. I liked that part. The Donut Man went to the zoo too, and that was just as neat. But the FARM!!! Wow, we watched those ones so much. In Mother Goose Goes to the Farm, they had a paint a fence red and they sang a song. They were sweeping the barn and they sang a song. They saw a dog and sang a song. They looked for a needle in a haystack and sang a song. Wow, I could just watch it over and over again. The Donut Man Goes to the Farm was pretty neat too, though it wasn't my favourite. They threw pearls to the pigs and then sang a song. The little donut that was always with the Donut Man was pretty cool! I remember how they had to fill the centre of the donut. I don't remember why, but Meghan says that they had to fill the hole with God. There was one Donut Man in which they cleaned up an old messy restaurant. THAT WAS THE COOLEST EVER and I only got to see it a few times. Meghan and I always fought over who got to be Martha and who got to be Mary because Mary was cuter AND she did ballet to their song. Then there was the part when they were sitting at bar stools drinking soda. I don't remember why I liked it but I did. Meghan remember Donut Central, the donut-y place where all the kids hung out and sung songs. I don't remember it too much. Mother Goose Goes to School was really awesome too. They brought animals to school and they had recess and they went on the bus and did reading, writing, and 'rithmetic. They made pizzas too. (Can you imagine, I missed out on most of that!!)
There are so many more memories I have from these movies, from the Donut Man and Mother Goose, and the kids who sang and acted. (I used to always want to be one of those kids.) I am truly thankful, and I give the Donut Man and Mother Goose my love and respect forever.

P.S. Barney was cool too, but I don't think I saw as much of him. There was this one video though, that I never got to finish and they sang a really neat song and they were in a scary forest and I didn't see the rest. Wondering what happens still gets to me.

This is a Test

2005-10-18T13:33:00.000-04:00

I'm trying out this photo thing... It went really slow for the photos that I actually wanted so I just tried a random one.

con fuoco

2005-10-12T20:45:00.000-04:00

I can't get enough school and music done and here I sit, at my computer, wasting my LIFE away. OK, wasting an hour. Humph. I didn't finish half the work I had to do today, yet it seems like I've been doing a lot today! sigh. Every night I just say to myself, all right, I'll get up earlier tomorrow morning...I'll work harder...I won't go on the computer as much... It never seems to work. Maybe my goals are just unrealistic. But I can't do less! So, for tomorrow. I'll wake up earlier. I'll work harder. I won't go on the computer as much. There, all solved...

Practicing piano. My left hand is not strong enough. I do lots of scales and technique just with my left hand to try and improve it. The going is slow. I can't get anything fast enough, and if I do, it's not good enough. It's never good enough. My arms get tired and I know I'm playing wrong and I try to relax but it's so repetative and fast and I can hardly keep up and then my arms tense up more and I can hardly play properly. So I stop and scowl and shake out my arms and try again. Repeat ad lib. Ear training is fun - if I get it right, darn those chords in inversions! - because I stand in the middle of the room and twirl slowly with my arms loose beside me and I answer questions... Memorizing the second movement of Beethoven is coming along well and I have fun because I sit on my knees on the bench and play the short notes slowly and I play around with the sound. I don't finish memorizing, or practicing the first movement. I don't even play Chopin. Better tomorrow.

Maybe everything will go better tomorrow.

pay attention to the warning sign

giving thanks

2005-10-08T20:53:00.000-04:00

sometimes it's so hard to remember
that i have a great life
and really, not that much to complain about

because the little things

take up so much time and i wonder

how in the world can i survive this because
everyone else has it and i don't
or something like that...

(there must be some validity to thinking

that some things in my life aren't great

isn't there? or not? is it selfishness?)

but really i love the life

the beautiful existance

of me and you and God and everyone else

it's amazing that it's all mine, from God

all yours, all ours

it's love, the deepest ever given
and it's ours to pass on
mine to give to you

(can you see in my eyes the love?

that imperfect love that is the best i can do?)

i'll give it to you, the way God gave it to me

dolce

2005-10-05T17:57:00.000-04:00

I love teaching piano. All the kids are different. Some like to talk a lot, some like to bounce and stand up all the time, some are very quiet. Some can't seem to curl their fingers, others curl so beautifully. I showed them all the inside of my grand piano at their first lessons, and I asked them what happened. The most intelligent answer was from a 5 year old. I find that interesting, seeing as some of the kids are as old as 8. I look forward to teaching more lessons and mentoring these kids. It is up to me to teach these children one of the best things in our world.

I love baby-sitting. Sometimes I don't, but when I think about it after - how we went to the park, and the two older kids played in the trees and on the playground, and how I took the baby's seat out of the stroller and set it on the grass beside me, how he watched me and the other children, and how I sat watching them too, and reading my schoolwork, how it was sunny, and how the oldest girl got hurt and she ran to me and cried and I sat her on my lap and I held her and told her it would be ok and to be careful, and then she went away happy again, how everything was simple - I love it.

Sometimes I wish we could be like children. They see everything simply, there is innocence, and love. I love having the responsability of taking care of kids, of teaching them, and loving them. They depend on me, the way not too many other people can, and I love that. They're lots of work, I realize that a lot more now, but it's work that you are putting into a life, a beautiful existance. That I can do that - change someone, love them, help, hold, laugh with, smile at them - that I can do that makes all the difference.

holding on

2005-09-30T12:56:00.000-04:00

I forgot to say yesterday that I taught two "first" piano lessons. They went well, and that makes me happy. :)

I went swimming today and did laps for about 1/2 hour. I'm going to try and go at least three times a week from now on...we'll see if that happens. :P

WOAH I just found out that I left the phone off the hook for like, 2 hours!! EEEEEEK...

So I have biology, english, violin and piano to do still today. Lots of piano...lots of everything, SO I should be going. I'm so procrastinating.

Update

2005-09-29T21:30:00.000-04:00

So I hardly did any of that practicing. Oh, and Allegro, just so you know, I don't normally do that all in an hour. :P But I run through things quickly when I don't feel like practicing. I realized that I also had to do chemistry (read through a whole module!) so I did that, and actually finished it and was well prepared for my class tonight. :) I can't say the same thing for the piano lesson though... *sigh* Olga says my songs aren't good enough for the festival. She said I can do Morel, Chopin, and then I have to pick either Bach or Beethoven. OR I can practice three hours a day, every day. If I pick one, I'll do Beethoven because I need more practice on it because it's worth more points in the exam. BUT I'm seriously tempted to do the three hours a day thing. AH how am I going to fit that in with school and other things!? I don't know, but I have to find a way. I'm going to try that for the next while. Hopefully I'll be able to wake up earlier and do less computer :P. I don't know how I'll be able to though: I'm finding fitting things in is hard enough already.

That's my story. Oh, and it snowed today. Welcome to Canada.

the pianist

2005-09-29T11:21:00.000-04:00

I have a piano lesson tonight and I really haven't done much work.

Except for two days ago when I played 2 1/2 hours. And the day before that I did 1 1/2 hours. But that's it, really. Yesterday all I did was 1/2 hour of technique. Today I don't feel motivated to practice much. I never do on lesson days. It's because I feel like I can't really change much. I guess if I worked really hard, like did 2 or 3 hours again, then I could have a leeeetle bit more done, but I don't have that much time today. So here's what I'm going to do today:

technique - b minor is going to rock our house for at least a total of 20 minutes.
beethoven - sonata in g major. i'll probably just play the expostition a few times because i've memorized it (finally), and then i'll play through the recapitulation (which is supposed to be memorized, but I give up for this week). i haven't even LEARNED the development yet. beethoven is hard. not so much the piece, but all the memorizing and it's long, etc.
bach - prelude and fugue in b flat major. i should memorize the whole prelude but i've only memorized 1/4 of it. i guess if i work hard i can have 1/2 done. i have to finish learning the fugue...blah those scary weird notes all over the page squished together. it will take a long time.
chopin - nocturne in b flat minor. i've only memorized the first part, and i'm supposed to have the third part memorized too. oh well. i have to play the first part a bit, play the second part a lot (i always get headaches when i play this part, i think it's because the fingering and the repetition and the notes and the me are kinda weird), and then play the third part a bit. this is so easy compared to what i should be doing. i should be memorizing the third part too, and learning the middle part really good. *sigh*
NO STUDIES. oh yeah. my teacher said i didn't have to do them for a while because I'll concentrate on my repertoire. :D

So yes, that is my list of things that I will do, even though I should be doing more. That will probably take 1 - 1 1/2 hours already...

I signed up for the festival today. I think I'm a bit late, but I think it'll be all right. I'm playing Etude de Sonorite no.1 by Morel. Again, just because I might do that for my exam, and I know it really well and I want to see if I can get a really good mark again. :P Then I'm doing the Beethoven. It's going to be really hard to get good by early November. Then Bach, which will also be hard. And then Chopin, which (surprise, surprise) will be hard too. So that's my life for the next few months.

Oh, I also have to start Grade 4 History soon, because I'm probably going to do the exam in December. AH that's not enough time. I did that for Harmony, so hopefully History will work out the same way...good marks and all.

After the festival I still have to work really hard because Olga wants me to do my grade 10 in January. Work work work work. I'm not good enough at technique!!! I go so slow, and my arppegios are HORRIBLE. But they're getting better, and I spend lots of time of them.

Then there's violin, and school, and life :P, and teaching, and baby-sitting and other COOL things! Busy, but fun and I REALLY need to get working today! What I have to do today yet:

Do the above piano list.
Have lunch
Clean the house
Teach two piano lessons
Go to the library and the post office
Have supper
Go to piano lessons
Go to chemistry class

There's not even any school in that!! Hopefully I'll be able to fit some things in, maybe reading.

<3>P.S. yeah, that was kinda boring. it was mostly for me, i like lists. :)

go on

2005-09-25T23:00:00.000-04:00

Alarm clock rings: 3:30 a.m. I groggily yawn at Meghan and stumble into the shower. Quebec City, here we come.

We go on a ferry over the Ottawa River. It is little and pulled by a small but powerful moter boat. Meghan and I go out of the car and stand with the wind in our faces. We make up a story about the people on the other side, in the 1950's. We are glad we live now and not then. Of course, we stop at an old antique shop and look at things, Daddy said. A few more hours to go and we stop at a little "pomme" road side shop and buy apples and apple butter from a lady who speaks only French. Laughing, we try to talk and we manage, having fun. "How do I say...?"

We are there and we get our room, with the help of a cute french guy. "Hello," I say, "May I have this?" - speaking about the trolley - He answers, "Yes, but you may have me too!" We smile and he helps.

After we change and freshen up from the ride we go and find the staff people from the conference. I see people I haven't seen for a year and everything is exciting. They show us our binders and duties and how to do things - I remember lots from the years before - and then it begins. Liv and I iron flags, we talk and get to know each other again. There are around 10 teenagers who are staff, and then 10 more who come for the youth sessions. We staff talk a lot and get to know each other and then we go and introduce ourselves to the others and meet other people.

That night we go swimming. We laugh at the lifeguard, and talk to him. We talk with all of us, or a few. We swim some laps and then we have to go in, the pool is closing. We say good night and go to our own rooms.

The next two days are just the same: wonderful. Speeches and lunches and youth sessions and fun times during the day and then that night we all go to Old Quebec City for a meal and dancing. Meghan and I stay with our family for an hour and a half, walking around. It is beautiful. We laugh at the French guys, who are cute and know it. Riding by on bikes - "They speak English!" Etc. :) I love old cities and streets that are just for walking. We go to the conference meal in the museum, and eat and talk. We have a folk group who plays music for us, and we dance. Crazy dances, but fun. So tired and smiling. We waltz. Saturday night was the formal banquet, the last meal together. We don't want the night to end so a few of us go over to Luke's hotel room and talk for an hour. Then we have to go, because our parents said.

Everyone leaves Sunday, but we meet at 7:30 in the morning to talk one last time. Then it's over, we hug, and we are gone.

We drive home very fast, only on the highway and only stopping a few times. U2 makes me cry. I sleep most of the way and then we are home and life is supposed to go on as normal.

Next year, the conference is in Calgary. I hope we go. There's more to this time that I should tell, but this was really quick and I have to go to bed. :P Later days.

all that i can't leave behind

2005-09-18T19:05:00.000-04:00

IT WAS SO AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe what a fabulous time I had. "Totally radical man!"

More later, I have to go.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quebec City

2005-09-14T09:59:00.000-04:00

We're going to Quebec City till Sunday. All of us (except Ken) are going: Mom and Dad are part of the conference and Meg and I are volunteers. Last year I had tonnnns of fun so I hope it will be the same this year!!
I really haven't been blogging. I guess I need a break. So don't expect much, even when I come home.

i know something is broken

2005-09-07T21:40:00.000-04:00

I've been reading and writing a lot recently about false and true happiness. It's for my English program, and it's interesting how it has so much to do with me, and yet I don't always think about it that way. I'm writing about the ways so and so was wrong about happiness and power and respect and money, and though I'm giving the answers it doesn't seem to go beyond that. Lots of the time answers for school subjects can't really go farther for you at that certain point of time, but sometimes they can, and I just don't realize it because they seem like they belong to school and that I don't have to apply that to my personal life. Or maybe it's because the questions and answers aren't that personal, they're just general statements. Whatever it is, maybe I need to think about how I can apply school to my life more.

That sounds so scholarly and good. Ew. Put it this way...when I SLAVE my way through my stuff I hardly understand I should MAYBE TRY to understand it a TINY bit more so that I can...REMEMBER it better. :P

X & Y
Coldplay

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
So part of the plan
When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can

I'm diving off the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can
I know something is broken
And I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way I can

You and me are floating on a tidal wave...
Together
You and me are drifting into outer space...
And singing

You and me are floating on a tidal wave...
Together
You and me are drifting into outer space
You and me are floating on a tidal wave...
Together
You and me are drifting into outer space...
And singing

Blue Moon

2005-09-04T13:29:00.000-04:00

It's my birthday today and I'm having a great day with presents and friends... :)

I don't really have anything to say. Maybe I should take a break from blogging, even though I don't feel like it. I mean, I FEEL like having something to say, and I guess I could if I took some time, but...gah I guess there's no excuse. OK, people, later then... *grin*

long night, dark bright, my sight, i might, your light, don't fight

2005-08-21T18:32:00.000-04:00

it's gonna be a long night

There are times when the so called joy in so many things I think I love disappears. I think about it and wonder if it is really real. If it is what I want.

when you get what you want but not what you need

I feel broken and lost. Then something happens. I realize that it is good, but not good for me. I realize that I'm trying too hard and sacrificing other more important things. I realize that without my knowing God has been working in me. I'm changing. It's a good change though.
So sometimes there's this inspiration to be me and myself and I. Those are good days...
And then there are days when everything falls apart. Inspiration...gone.

where is the moment when you need it the most

you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

cause you had a bad day

you're taking one down

you sing a sad song just to turn it around

you say you don't know

you tell me don't lie

you work at a smile and you go for a ride

you had a bad day...

You just keep moving on those days. Sometimes that's all you can do...

I like the good days though. Things happen, change, and I smile.

Take me now...

2005-08-14T19:12:00.000-04:00

(Warning: this is a quick post to hold you over till the next time I feel like blogging.)

The cottage was great. We had cousins over too so that was good.

We had a family reunion on Saturday. One fourth of my family...over 600 direct relatives. It was really fun (because Jess was there) and there were some cute guys, but we're RELATED! Does third cousins matter? Just kidding... :P Seriously, I could hardly marry a single person from Jessica's church 'cause I'm related to them all... Being Dutch I guess...

I'm baby-sitting at my aunt's house Wednesday to Saturday. She works in the house (her office is in the front) and she needed someone to take care of the kids. They live in Waterloo so I'll be sleeping over. Hopefully they will let me use the computer.

I like swimming.

This So-Called "Harmonic" Life

2005-08-05T20:28:00.000-04:00

So there was a party today for people from my Dad's work. A pool party, at one of the men's houses. I didn't want to go really: last time it was all right, but not really great. I also had my harmony work I needed to do, so I said I would stay home. Dad even offered to pick me to halfway through...wish I would have taken him up on that. The family left and I did another harmony test. I watched Oprah. I talked to Allegro on the phone. I went jogging with my dog. Then they came home and Meghan told me what happened and now I'm sad because I should have gone. So many people were there and it sounded so fun! But I didn't. I got my test done, so that was good, but I could have done that tonight. I hate when my judgements backfire on me.

Right before they left, Mom told me to make some muffins. There was all ready batter in the fridge so I used that. I put the stuff in the oven, set the timer, went to the table and did harmony. 21 minutes later the buzzer rang and I ran to turn it off and get a toothpick and check the muffins. I opened the door and they weren't cooked. At all. After a second or two I realized...yes, you're right...that the oven wasn't on. *sigh* I turned the oven on and left for the table. After Oprah and Legs and halfway through the test, I decided it was high time for supper, being 6 o'clock and all. I went into the kitchen to make my hot dogs. (Hey, it was just me and Myth. Even I can cook better than him.) After two whole minutes in the kitchen I thought it might remotely smell weird. Burning smell. My muffins. Black rocks. 2 hours of baking. So yeah, if you want some of my muffins, come over, they're in the garbage. Back to harmony. The family came home and the first thing Meghan said was, "WHAT is that burning smell?!" (Don't tell anyone I didn't realize that it was burning...) Mom walked in and I told her and Meghan my muffin story. Dad came in and found the ro - that is, muffins - in the garbage and took them (still smelling terribly) to the garage. He then began to clean the kitchen and found the hot dogs on the counter. "How long have these been out?" I look up from telling my muffin story: "Only about an hour." He mumbles something about them almost being garbage now - TOO.
I think I could cook and bake if I put my mind to it. I mean, I totally knew what to do with the muffins - I just forgot. Like the time I let the pizza burn at Jessica's house (*cough*), music just got in the way.

I had a whole list of other harmony things to do but when Mom and Dad came home it crashed and I didn't feel like it. I've been working on harmony ALL of today and I'm TIRED of it. I wish I would have gone to the party. I wish some people I wanted to talk to were on MSN. I wish this fly would get away from me. I wish to go to camp and people's houses. I wish I knew what to do with life. I wish my muscles would stop hurting. I wish my exam was over. Kinda. I mean, I do like harmony, it's just doing it in seven weeks has been very stressing. I always cry the night before my exams, because of the stress. Who knows, it might happen again tonight.

I still have to wash clothes and pack for the cottage. I want to ski again. I will try to read many books. I will try to do some work. (Even on my holidays I have to work...what is WRONG with me?!)

On this happy note (take the pun) I leave you. Forever? That's for you to decide...

...catch me...because I don't think I have the strength to do it myself...

On Hold AGAIN

2005-08-04T22:29:00.000-04:00

(maybe forever, who knows...)

We're going to the cottage on Saturday.

After the exam. After I cram on Friday and finish the next day.

I will be

FREE.

Free from music obligations for a total of 3 weeks. Then it begins again. I don't know if I can handle Grade 4 History...

Will I really be free? Of course not. Unless "free" is something else.

Free is knowing things, then being able to take your knowledge and use it. Free is working hard on what you want. Free is working hard on what you don't want, but what will help you. Free is when God is doing everything His way, not your way.

sky fly high freefalling down down down to gentle landing...catch me...

On Hold

2005-08-01T13:11:00.000-04:00

" 'Sometimes' she said, ' they threaten you with something - something you can't stand up to, can't even think about. And then you say, 'Don't do it to me, do it to so-and-so.' And perhaps you might pretend, afterwards, that it was only a trick and that you just said it make them stop and didn't really mean it. But that isn't true. At the time when it happens you do mean it.....there's no other way of saving yourself...to save yourself that way....you want it to happen to the other person. You don't give a damn what they suffer. All you care about is yourself.' "

- From 1984, by George Orwell

I think I want to read that book...

And Life Goes On

2005-07-23T22:33:00.000-04:00

I don't know what to say.

I don't want to post lyrics for lack of myself.

I don't want to post poems.

I don't want to talk about my life. Doesn't that get boring?

I can't think of "wise words to say".

I'll post later.

Without Me

2005-07-21T14:08:00.000-04:00

Don't ask me how I'm doing.

I'll say, "FINE."

'Cause it's true.

The Truth About Lies

2005-07-20T13:25:00.000-04:00

We had a great time at the cottage again! Cho and Bren and their parents came up with us. The weather wasn't great, but that was OK, we did enough things to make up for it. Indoor water fights, frickin loud rock music, parents who dance to Boston, washing dishes to Guns 'n Roses, too many games of Take, laughing while playing President, swimming everywhere possible (also in everything possible and everytime possible...), taking great risks, sleeping with very few clothes on because of the hot weather, telling the dogs over and over to behave, trying to get away from flies and other YUCKY THINGS THAT BITE, talking about everything, Euchre one night, kneeboarding with a slow motorboat, trying to go on one ski (I WILL get it next time...)...it was great!!

I'm writing a paragraph on Silas Marner. Should I call it Living the Lie or The Truth About Lies? Both a bit cliche I know, but it's better than "Silas Marner". Plus I have some super cool fonts to work with. *grin*

wings

2005-07-13T22:58:00.000-04:00

thoughts were flying and i
was soaring with them and it felt beautiful
not only because of the rush of wings and wind
and the view
but with the freedom i felt closer
closer somehow to you

it was because some things
the little things didn't matter anymore
and people saw me and didn't judge
i didn't judge
it was the presence of pure awe and wonder
love
it was smiles and laughter and blue
freedom with you

but thoughts aren't always real
and dreams are often only wishes that
won't come true
little things matter
people judge
i have faults
so do you
people cry and everybody hurts
sometimes

somehow i wish we could catch a current of air
fly quickly through time and future and space and everything
so that it is the right age
the right place
the right person
the right love
the right knowledge
the right you and the right me

why can't we fly?

dreams, inconsistant angel things...

2005-07-13T17:12:00.000-04:00

I have so many plans for what to do with my life. Some are plans and others are dreams. Some are both plans and dreams. There's so many things I could do, and want to do in life. The sad thing is is that you can't do everything. You have to pick, make a choice. What if you're making a wrong choice? What if you can't change the choice you've made? What if it affects you forever?

What if I don't know what to do?

how do i know where to go, what to do?

how do i know where to find you?

Sometimes I don't go out with my plans, don't finish them. Mostly just because I don't feel like it. It's discouraging, not finishing what you meant to finish.

I have done and am continuing to do lots of music exams. My next one is grade 4 harmony. The exam is August 6, and I still have ages of work to do, considering I started the course the beginning of July. It's crazy to do a semester of work in one month.

when will everything turn out the way i've dreamed?

will it even? or will it always remain illusions?

will i will you will we us you and me ever stop needing things?

there are questions that need answers

and answers that need telling

there are changes that i need

there are changes need hates

there are people that love needs

and there is love that i need

there's hope that needs renewing

'cause there are people who need hope

you need me and i need you

fullfill needs

love meets

flowers blossom and we

are

together

dreams. that's all.

songs in your eyes

2005-07-08T13:27:00.000-04:00

biking with sibling's friends

looking at pianos for other people

going to parties of people i don't even know

waiting for people

watching the day slowly go by. why should i wish it faster? life is precious, and with it time.

reading books and reading other books

writing paragraphs, essays

laughing with friends and swimming and giving hugs and feeling loved

wet hair down my back

so close, yet so far away. because i would never do it. because i can't, because i am me.

people having wrong impressions. my fault?

friends who know the right things to say and do.

love never was more real

Avril Again

2005-07-05T20:35:00.000-04:00

He was a boy, she was a girl,
Could I make it anymore obvious?
He was a punk, she did ballet,
What more can I say?

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you...
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
Searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everythings a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you...

I wanna believe you
When you tell me it will be OK
But I don't...
When you say that it's gonna be
It always turns out to be a different way
I try to believe you
But not today

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow
I don't know what to say tomorrow
But tomorrow is a different day...

Random Cottage Thoughts

2005-07-02T15:44:00.000-04:00

Loverly time at the cottage.

Hot weather. Cold-ish water. Beaming sun. Thus: a tan. And burn. But it's gone now.

I read lots of books and relaxed and napped a lot. One night I was up from 2 - 4 am and I read a whole book and thought about lots of things. At the cottage, the days go by and no one knows what time it is...no one cares. I hardly knew what day it was. What month. No, I remembered the year. Hmm, I wonder if that's what pure relaxing is. Forgetting.

Water Skiing was a blast, except my arms hurt for a few days after. No worries, it was worth it. Tubing...*grin*...Dad tried hard to flip me off but he didn't succeed and I stayed on, over the bumpy wake, over ice smooth water, over huge waves. It's fun going over waves, flying three to four feet up in the air, sometimes with the tube, other times not.

We went and got worms at a little ugly, smelly, GROSS, terribly life damaging, hardly-to-be-called-a-living-place house. I'm still scarred by that skiny tall man with no shirt and pants too short and an ugly belt and gross hair. I can't believe people will live like that. IS there anything to live for?! Anything worth living for in MY ideas that is. Probably not too much. I'm so thankful for my house.

Fun having friends over. Fun swimming with my dog.

I let go of the skiing rope and glide slowly into the water by our docks. Pull off the skis. Adjust my lifejacket. Prodding the skis in front of me I slowly swim towards the ladder. Push the skis on the dock and climb up the ladder. I stare at the world through eyes that see shapes and colours, but blurred into each other. Through the drops of water trembling on my eyelashes I look at what my life is right now. Thoughts of life. This is me. Just me, and no one else. Stand on the dock and pull off my lifejacket. Enter reality.

For two days we had my mom's friend (we call her aunt) and two of her kids over. My dad, Kenton, Uncle Dick, and his two older boys went to Algonquin Park. Their little girl, Emily, is so adorable. I want a daughter like her someday. Total cuteness.

We are sitting on the dock. Mom and Aunt Car are in the water. Meghan and I talk to 5-year-old Joel and 3-year-old Emily. Sunlight burns. Pull towel close around wet body. Push hair out of blue eyes.
"Duck!! Duck, duck, duck, duck. Look!" Emily calls.
Mom and Aunt Car talk on, ignore childish chatter.
"Duck. DUCK!"
Heads turn and stare at a loon, only a few metres away. We exclaim over the beauty, like always. Mom: "Oh, Emily, good girl! Car, we didn't even notice! *laugh* It's a loon Emily!"
"No, it is a duck."
"No, hon, it's a loon," I say.
"God didn't make loons. It is a duck."
"Of course God made loons! He made everything."
Joel: "Emily, God made everything. He made the loons."
"No, he didn't."
Try childish logic. Me: "Em, did God make you?"
"Yes, but not loons."
"What about beds? Who made those?"
"God, but He didn't make loons."
Parents laugh.
Joel: "Emily, God DID make the loons."
Mom: "Who made the loons then?"
A shrug. She doesn't know. No one told her about loons, therefore they weren't there and God didn't make them. Maybe..."People."
General grins and laughs.
"Sunday school teachers just don't include loons on the list of God's creation," Mom chuckles.
Maybe they should.

It was hot most of the time. I went to bed without pajamas on, in underclothes. I love having my own room.

We're going again in August. Longer. Should be nice. I'll need more books.

Last Things

2005-06-25T07:29:00.000-04:00

I'M DONE. FINISHED. THE END. And I almost wish I could do it again because I had fun.

The exam was really good. I enjoyed playing my songs. Teleman was OK, concerto was OK, Borowski (Adoration...best song ever) was really good, for how well I know it. I love playing violin with someone else playing piano. :P I wish I could do both at the same time. I had the BEST acompanist though. She directs and leads at the same time; she's perfect! Studies were preeeeettty good. Ear training was almost perfect. Sightreading was quite nice if I may say so. Technique was all right. The examiner didn't ask any A scales or appeggios I don't think and that made me SOOOO happy!!!!! She asked G minor appeggio and I was happy because that's my really good one. Double stops were...whatever. Fine. Oh, for my melody playback, she asked if I wanted to play on the piano or violin and I didn't know I had a choice, so that was neat. I choose piano and I think it was almost perfect. Overall, I think I did pretty well. Not amazing, just good.

So we're off to the cottage now. One last number of things to do:
15. Jump off the boathouse.

Have a good week everyone!

~Andrea

P.S. Shimmer and Summer, enjoy your move. You are now stuck with me for a long time. Enjoy it. :P

P.P.S. Bluebirds shouldn't be sad.

Violin Exam

2005-06-24T14:21:00.000-04:00

My violin exam is at 5. Two and a half hours. My practice is not going well. It's because I'm not focused. I'll be very focused during the exam so I think it'll be all right.
My stomach hurts. Part of it is a nervous hurt. I all of a sudden just got nervous. I haven't been nervous for this exam yet...but now I kind of am. I feel light-headed. I feel hot. I feel sore. My shoulders and arms and legs and neck hurt. Maybe I'm growing. I don't know what I think about that. At least if I am growing I won't grow much because I'm basically done. Sometimes I want to be taller. Sometimes I don't. I wish my body would stop hurting. I feel better now though. Better in a span of one or two minutes. It's nervousness, nothing else. I don't think.
We're going up to the cottage. Saturday to Thursday. I will come back with a tan. Rejoice.
Things I will do at the cottage:
1. TAN.
2. Swim.
3. Water-ski.
4. Read books.
5. Do lots of harmony.
6. Go tubing!
7. Go kayaking off into the distance. Alone. With a book. With my thoughts of you. Thoughts that you don't know about...
8. Do school work.
9. Eat junk food. Swim and run and walk to work it off.
10. Get skinny. (I wish...)
11. Go canoeing with Meghan.
12. Live on the island for an afternoon.
13. Climb up the mountain if there isn't too much poisin ivy.
14. Go shopping in Honey Harbour.
14 is a good number. 15 will be better when I turn that age.
Off to practice more. Maybe I'll focus. Maybe I'll do great at the exam. Maybe I won't do any work at the cottage. Maybe I'll hit my head skiing and go unconsious. Maybe I'll get kidnapped when I go kayaking alone. Maybe my thoughts of you will become thoughts of you and me. Maybe I won't tan, just burn. Maybe life will be peaceful. Maybe you will miss me. Maybe I'll enjoy my new bathing suit.
I'll let you figure out which one of those maybes are true.

I like this, living.

Brightly Wound - Eisley

2005-06-19T22:42:00.000-04:00

It's happening all the time
When I open my eyes
I'm still -taken- by suprise
I hold sunlight and swallow fireflies
And it makes me want to cry...

I love you

I shall never grow up
Make believe is much too fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow

We were walking there
I had tangles in my hair
But ::you:: make me feel so pretty
You have shining eyes
Yes, like those forest lights
And it makes me want to cry...

I was just wishing you were here
So we could walk down to the sea
And we could ..throw.. all our leaves
Seeing our dragon when we look

I love you

I shall never grow up
Make believe is much too fun
Can we go -far away- to the humming meadow

I shall never grow up
Make believe is much too fun
This place is so lovely
It kind of makes me happy

Let's go far away to the humming meadow...

Broken

2005-06-19T21:51:00.000-04:00

These past few days, I've been feeling broken.

Not to say that my life sucks; it's great. It's in terms of the way I feel towards God. I've been realizing how darn sinful I am. Of course, there's just a few things I'm realizing. Most of the time I feel like I ought to feel really bad and sinful and so absolutely amazed that God would actually forgive me...but I don't. It's more like, "I'm sorry I did such-and-such, so please forgive me - " and then it's over. That's OK I guess, but recently I've thought about certain things in my life and wonder how God can forgive me. Maybe it's because I can't seem to forgive myself. How can I forget the things I've done? How can God? How can other people?
Sometimes I feel like God is supposed to forgive all the time. I don't realize how full of mercy He is to give us his grace. Even now though, I still don't feel like the totally broken person I am. We probably never will understand just how sad we are and how full of grace God is. Sometimes I get a glimpse of the pieces of myself falling over the ground and then I can't help but cry out to God and tell Him how broken I am and how much I need Him.

God's love is amazing. Growing up, I recognize it more and more. I guess in Heaven we'll be able to realize how really awesome it is.

And Here I Go...

2005-06-17T15:06:00.000-04:00

Last night...I didn't end up doing most of it. I went and talked to Mom and then I went to the kitchen and there was no milk so I didn't read my essay and I was soooooo tired that I went right to bed.

Co-op is done. No more work for that. Yay. :)

Tonight, tonight, tonight...is my dance show. EEE, I'm excited. After that I'm going to a friend's birthday party so I'm going to have a good night and next day because it's a sleepover.

There are times when I love people and things and ideas and puppies so much.

Update: I guess it wasn't last night. It was early this morning.

Past Midnight

2005-06-17T00:30:00.000-04:00

It's 12:30 almost and Summer and Shimmer just left our house. We had a fun night together, playing violin, listening to loud music, throwing and smothering each other with pillows. "What would the Americans think!?"

I have to read this essay I finished today one more time before I go to bed. It's due tomorrow at co-op. I think I'll go to the kitchen and drink hot milk and read it with a red pen in hand. Then I will wash my face...probably neglect to brush my teeth...put cream on my face...change into pajamas...clear all the clothes off my bed...set my alarm...turn on Sixpence None the Richer's "Tension is to be Loved"...throw my sham and stuffed animals to the end of my bed...pull back the covers...crawl in...pray...either be sad after my prayer, or happy, or both (probably both)...and then...slowly drift away to sleep. If I can't fall asleep I'll tell myself stories. Stories about me that will never come true...

I'm falling asleep all ready. Off to read the essay.

Good night...

Eisley

2005-06-16T13:46:00.000-04:00

You humour me today,
Calling me out to play,
With your telescope eyes, metal teeth,
I can't be seen with you, you see.

Please don't -make- me cry,
Please don't -make- me cry,
I'm just like you I know you know,
I'm just like you so leave me alone...

I wonder ::why:: can't you see,
You're just not near enough like me,
With your telescope eyes, metal teeth,
I can't be with you.

*Please* don't make me ...cry...,
*Please* don't make me ...cry...,
I'm just like you I know you know,
I'm just like you so leave me alone...

Please (don't) make me cry,
Please (don't) make me cry,
I'm just like you I know you know,
I'm just like you so leave me alone.

Oh, you {humour} me today...

Coldplay

2005-06-10T14:12:00.000-04:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
COULD IT BE WORSE?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
I see a stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face I promise you
I will learn from all my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Never heard that song, but I love the lyrics. I really wanna hear it...

Update: I heard it!!! Wow...

Here I Go Again...

2005-06-07T19:41:00.000-04:00

-sometimes-
it's so ::hard:: to be me
myself
that person everyone tells me to be
because they say
everyone will like you if you just be yourself
but how do they know that
how can *i* compete with the
rest of them
'cause i don't think i can
but they say it doesn't matter
i don't have to compete
but for ...some... (reason)
it isn't any -comfort-

"As long as it remotely resembles a shirt, it's good!"

2005-06-06T13:07:00.000-04:00

- Cho

Gotta love it. Her. Whatever.

When shifting to fourth position A...

2005-06-01T20:17:00.000-04:00

G sharp just isn't good enough.

This is when I start to bite my nails, and clean my room when all else fails...

2005-06-01T19:45:00.000-04:00

There's not much going on today.
I'm really bored, it's getting late.

I'm feeling like Summer, in her recent post. Not for the same reasons of course and probably not the same way, but I'm totally stressed out and there's so many things I have to do and make decisions about. It's getting to me. Sometimes I try to work but nothing really happens and I don't get anywhere.
I wish something would HAPPEN. I guess this weekend things will happen, so I shouldn't complain so much. *sigh*
I have allergies. It's really annoying. It gives me a head ache from sniffing and sneezing and my eyes hurt. My throat hurts now too.
I guess I should go practice violin. I don't love double stops. I don't love shifting when it doesn't work. I don't love doing the same shift over and over, fifty times in a row. I don't love playing each scale over and over, trying to remember the correct fingering for each one. I don't love practicing my vibrato and making it really wide. I don't love doing vibrato on my fourth finger. I don't love playing the sixteenth notes passages in my concerto slow and with different rhythms. I don't love the metronome. I don't love trying to make p and f sound different. I don't love the way I know how I want it to sound but how I don't know how to make it sound like that. I don't love the way I stand there and don't feel a thing sometimes when I play.
But I love when it all comes together. I enjoy double stops when they're good. When I play a beautiful, in tune, fast scale, it makes me happy. When my concerto sixteenth note passages are really clean, I smile. I like it when the agitato passage in one of my songs sounds so intense that I can hardly stand to not play louder. I am sure I will like it when my sixteenth notes and the cross strings in my Teleman work out...I just haven't had that happen yet... I love being finished violin, and being able to say, "I'm done, and I had a great practice today." I love when it all works.
But how do I make it all work? I practice. Practice, practice, and practice...that's all you do before exams. It's never good enough either, because it can always be better because the exam matters. I'm NOT ready for my exam and I'm so glad it's at the very end of the exams. June 24. (THERE IS A HUGE BEE IN THE OFFICE AND IT'S NOT IMPROVING MY ATTITUDE!!) Here I go...to get my violin...to practice...

I like you the way you are
when we're drivin' in your car
and you're talking to me one on one,
but you've become
somebody else round everyone else.
You're watching your back like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool, you look like a fool to me.

Tell me, why you have to go and make things so complicated?

Nothing To Say

2005-05-31T21:43:00.000-04:00

So you people tell me I should blog. But right now, I don't have much to say.

I cleaned the house a lot today.

I listened to Avril Lavigne. I like her music.

I talked to some nice people on MSN. SOME.

I was grumpy too.

I got happy for a while.

Then I got grumpy again.

Let's Have Supper

2005-05-28T13:18:00.000-04:00

So my grandma called today, returning my Dad's call she said. I gave Dad the phone and walked away. I came back, and now I hear Dad talking to her about SOUP. He told me he wanted to make soup, but I assumed he knew how... He has a pencil and a paper and he's asking lots of questions about how to make soup. It's funny, because Grandma VP lives far away and we call her and Grandpa enough, but never about normal things like food. :P Anyway, it doesn't sound that funny now that I have it written down, but I still think it is.

Signing out...
Andrea

Alone Together

2005-05-27T20:44:00.000-04:00

It's weird.

We're both like, "Right, whatever" and
we have nothing to say but there's something
to be -said- anyway.
So we're sitting here beside each other
on different sides of the world together
alone.
Not really saying anything but saying lots
at the same time because I understand you
and you understand me
and s.o.m.e.h.o.w. we just know.

My world *exploded* the other day,
but Someone is putting it back together (again).

Conversation*

2005-05-25T20:15:00.000-04:00

My dog: "Excuse me, what are you doing? OK, right, a thing around my nose and neck. Well, that's really cool...GET IT OFF."
Me: "Good boy, coochy, we're going to try it [the gentle leader] out and see what happens. You're gonna be a good boy right?"
Myth: "Coochy, coochy, blahgoochy. Get it off, off, off, woah this is really weird. OK, yes, we hop around and then GET IT OFF."
Me: "*laugh* Nope, it's not coming off, lovely boy, as hard as you try."
Myth: "Come on...please? Not even if I rub my OH-SO-SORE head against your leg and slobber all over your pants??"
Me: "EW. Silly, just live with it. We're going for a walk, come on."
Myth: "What? I have to live with this ON? Oh, I always loved this plant...I love being outside. What? NO, I want it off!"

Etc.

*This conversation is made up and if Mythril ever reads this I'm sorry I ever thought I knew what you were saying.

drum roll

2005-05-25T14:26:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
to our dear and
love-ful-ness-ish-ly friend
LYSHA.

Lysha, you are an amazing girl and we love you! You're so smart, beautiful, happy, godly...I could go on and on. I'm so glad I got to know you and that you're in our blogging world. Your blog and what you write is amazing. You're one of those people that we can all look up to in the way you try daily to live for God, and it shows through your life strongly. Happy birthday girl, and keep rocking on the way you already do. :)

Jem

2005-05-24T19:41:00.000-04:00

I've gotta stop my mind
from working overtime.
It's -driving- me insane,
it will not let me live,
always so negative,
it's become my enemy.

One minute I am fine
The next I've l.o.s.t. my mind...

I can feel it, baby,
I feel like I'm ::falling:: for you
but I'm scared to...

Daylight comes, daylight comes
and you've gotta go.
B/r/e/a/k/s/ my heart, breaks my heart
to have to watch you -go-.
Wish I knew, wish I knew
when you'll be back again.
However long, it's just too long
until we meet again.

I miss you,
want you by my side...
walking, holding hands
talking, making plans,
touching my heart, my soul...

I've been thinking 'bout things
for a long while.
I'm feeling so calm,
I've got a big smile,
I have a view of the sun,
right over the sea.
And now I can feel
life is flowing through me .

You see, I've finally woken
from a l.o.n.g. sleep.
I'm ready to jump,
to make that blind leap,
'cause I now believe
I have the power in me.
I've got the faith baby
I can truly be free.

Child don't worry, it's OK,
the sun is out for another day.
Today's the first day of the
rest of your life
and I say it'll be all right...

Remember this...

Sometimes

2005-05-23T16:57:00.000-04:00

When n.o.t.h.i.n.g. really seems to matter
to you
it bothers me,
because I want it to matter and
I want me to matter.
It makes me mad and
sometimes I just can't stand the
way you -leave- or go
a.n.d. how everything you do
shows me that you don't care...much.
But underneath that
happy >>facade<< of yours
I know that it's *not* all the way
it seems.
Sometimes
you let me through that mask
and then I -see- what I wish
I saw all the
time.
It's those times that
I love you.
So I wish you'd let me through more
often because I want to know you
better and I want you to let me know I
matter.
Because you matter to me.

Why does it have to be such
a jumble
of nothing, or something,
or everything at once?

Then I -go- and
`cry` because everyone has everyone
except me, or at least,
it feels that way.
I hate the way they are all
the same and different and the way
everyone just is
without me.
I .see. them together and know they're there
and though I'm happy for you and her
and him, it hurts because
I'm
not
there.
I know you love me,
and I love you too,
but why does it h.a.v.e. to be this way?

If I had a garden
with a wall and one door
and a key only I had...

I think I would show you.

Ottawa

2005-05-22T12:59:00.000-04:00

We got back yesterday from a great trip in Ottawa...so much fun... I don't feel like going through ever single detail because I've told lots of people about it already, and if you want to know more...ask me. :)

Thursday

We left home at 5:30.
Read and slept on the ride.
Drove till 10:30, and arrived in Ottawa.
Saw the high school co-op walking towards the parliament buildings, and honked, but they didn't see us. (We were in a rental car too...)
Went to our hotel...the Sheraton, two blocks from the parliament.
Dad left to go to meetings, and Meghan and I headed out to the Confederation building and met Nicole someone, executive assistant from Dean Allison's office, and she took us to the main building, and got us tickets for a tour.
Then she left, so Meghan and I just walked around the buildings, waiting for the tour time...we laid on the grass, read books, it was great...
We went with our tour group to the line-up for security check.

WE STOOD THERE FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.

We read books and talked while waiting.
We gave back our tour tickets, because we decided to go right to the galleries and watch question period.
When we got in...the galleries were full, and there was hardly a chance at all that we'd get in.
So we went up the Peace Tower and then left.
Humph.
I'd already been up the Peace Tower, and though it was nice to do it again...an hour and a half...*sigh*
Meghan and I sat on the grass a bit more, reading, and then left and went shopping on Sparks street. Very nice.
Then we went back to the hotel and waited (reading books) for Dad.
Dad got back...we had a little bit of a supper with him...
Went to the Museum of Civilization. It was OK, but there were only two parts I really liked: the "Mysteries of the Nile" IMAX (GREAT SHOW!!) and the walk-through of Canadian History. The rest of only OK, partly because I had seen most of it last year, and partly because I'm just not that interested in native stuff and the other things we saw there.
Went out for supper in the Byward market...
Went back to hotel.
Read books.
SLEPT.

Friday

Dad left around 8...
Read books in bed.
Meghan and I got up and ate breakfast in the club lounge. Very sophisicated.
We went to the parliament again. Laid on the grass, read books.
Walked to the National Art Gallery. Enjoyed that more than the museum.
Read books again outside of the gallery, in the gardens.
Went back to Wellington street (the street in front of the parliament) and walked down a few streets to Sparks street and bought hot dogs to eat. Sat on a bench and read books while eating.
Went back to the hotel and waited for Dad.
Read books and napped.
Went out to the club lounge dinner thing again.
Walked to THE MALL and shopped. I liked the stores in the mall, but it was really dirty, and not that well organized. Except for Mexx and some old ladies shops.
Walked to the Byward market and watched people doing stunts and walked around. Ate ice-cream and went in some shops.
Walked back to the hotel. Had sore feet.
Watched Spanglish. It's an OK movie.
Went to sleep. Did not read, because we were too tired.

Saturday

Got up...slowly...
Dad got annoyed because we HAD TO GO and we were taking our time.
Ate club lounge breakfast thing. Yummy.
Packed up and left.
Went to Sparks street for a second to buy me some earrings.
Drove home by way of a small town with a mill in it that Dad wanted to see.
Read books and slept in the car.
Got home at 5.

It was a great trip! I'm so glad Meghan and I went with Dad...it was so fun just hanging out together, without adults. :) Of course, we had great times with Dad too.

I love cities. They're alive...anyone want to move to New York with me?

Best music school ever in...

2005-05-22T12:54:00.000-04:00

You Belong in Rome

You're a big city girl with a small town heart
Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome
Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand
And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?
What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-)

Waiting...

2005-05-18T17:00:00.000-04:00

I'm waiting in the office for my ride. I'm going to baby-sit some kids...BUT, during that, I have to play at a concert. So Meghan's coming along with me and she'll take care of the kids from 8 - 9 when I'm gone (I'm just going for a little bit of the concert!) and then I'll come back and take over the duties, while Meghan goes home.
And that's all very nice, but I need more time...
We're going to Ottawa, Dad, Meg, and I, tomorrow morning to Saturday morning. Dad has meetings to go to, so Meg and I decided we'd like to come along...visit interesting places...maybe see the vote in parliament. I hope it all works out. AND I can't wait to go swimming in my new bathing suit for the first time. Heh.
Ride here.

BYE!!!

Bold the True Statements

2005-05-18T11:48:00.000-04:00

1. I'm in a relationship
2. I can't eat sugar
3. I am in love
4. I think Bush is an awesome president
5. I think gay marriage should be approved
6. I enjoy playing my music loud
7. I like to decorate stuff
8. I love the color silver
9. I have too much free time
10. I love hugs!
11. I like to take pictures
12. I am a blonde (naturally)
13. I love Vanilla Coke
14. My parents are divorced
15. I get amused easily sometimes
16. I dislike my sibling sometimes (notice the "sometimes")
17. I love all my friends to death
18. I have been to the world of my own at least once (meaning daydreaming? yes)
19. I love Aladdin
20. I'm afraid of losing loved ones
21. When I get home the first thing I do is get on computer (sometimes)
22. I need to apply myself more (depends)
23. I need more sleep
24. I like to write poetry
25. Hypocrites annoy me (um, sure)
26. I wish I could ride a motorcycle
27. I don't like chocolate much
28. I have weird dreams
29. I don't have a shower
30. I love to swim
31. I'm scared of changes
33. I don't do extracurricular activities
34. I'm too lazy
35. I am an atheist
36. I tend to hate jerks (hate is a strong word...dislike...sometimes...)
37. I'd rather have a small group of close friends than a large group of friends that I didn't know all that well
38. I'm easily hurt
39. I'm an Internet nut
40. AIM takes up 1/4 of my life (not quite yet ;))
41. I like giving gifts
42. I enjoy receiving them as well
43. I'm quiet in class and loud with my friends
44.I love watching films
45. I am very crazy at times
46. I know how to play the flute
47. I love where I go to school (heck, I hope I do!)
48. I hate my homelife
49. I don't like eating
50. I leave school soon
51. I am an impulse spender
52. I only ever seem to drink pepsi/coke
53. I have lots of nicknames
54. I eat too much junk food (only on the few days that I do. lol)
55. I've had a Xanga for over a year
56. I'm tough on the outside, super sensitive on the inside
58. I am shy at first
59. I'm scared that the entire world hates me
60. I love sarcasm
61. I'm a bit blonde at time (isn't everyone?)
57. I love video games
62. I think I scare people sometimes
63. I think snobby people suck
64. I hate it when people judge others without knowing them well
65. I prefer the internet to the TV
66. I can cry and not be sad
67. I shower (duh)
68. I interrupt people a lot
69. I hate it when people ignore me or irritate me
70. I'm quiet, then I come out with random outbursts
71. I have a lot of pet peeves
72. I hate scratched CD's and DVD's
73. I love blue eyes ('cause mine are blue:P)
74. I hate acting girlish
75. I'm a very messy person
76. I want more piercings
77. I hate my figure
78. My friends are loud but awesome
79. I sleep on my side (sometimes)
80. I appreciate nice things that are done for me, even if it's just a compliment
81. I'd love to have the money to buy things for people for no reason at all
82. Iced coffee is the best
83. I want to get my ears pierced again
84. I want my belly button pierced
85. I like sitting around doing nothing if it pleases me
86. I don't like talking to new people
87. I love horse back riding
88. I'm a day dreamer (sometimes)
89. I never want to get married
90. I like clean sheets
91. I love to ramble about random things (once in a while...like on here!:P)
92. If I leave my hair to dry it goes curly (wavy)
93. I don't sleep much
94. I loathe sunbathing
95. I'm scared of the near future
96. I hate it when parents take sides
97. I'm a Virgo98. I share my Birthday with best friends
99. I love recieving Blog Comments
100. I've ridden in a hot air balloon
101. I've bowled left handed
102. I love popcorn
103. I've liked my best friend before (this one made me laugh...)
104. I wake up to an alarm clock
105. I hide things under my bed
106. I hate closed-minded people
107. I have gone sky diving
108. I've written a book
109. I love Def Leppard
110. I make wishes on "11:11"
111. I've played lacrosse (in gym)
112. I have the same best friend since kindergarten
113. I absolutely love cute/weird socks
114. I know what I want to be when I grow up
115. I write in cursive (kinda)
116. I paint my nails
117. My best friend lives in another state
118. I watch T.V. to fall asleep
119. I try to always do my hair in cute styles, but it never looks good.
120. Whenever I'm bored, I usually resort to dumb quizzes like this one (once in a while...)

Flowers of My Life

2005-05-17T17:38:00.000-04:00

We had the end concert for Strings Etc. last night. I think it went all right. My solo concerto was...not the best we've done. I mean, it was ok, but the set-up was really bad and I was far away from everyone else. Not ideal. And my piano teacher was there too...and there was one spot (though the whole thing kinda was...yeah...) where the orchestra and I were REALLY not together, BUT over-all it was OK!!! :) Choir was fun and I love my skirt. *grin*

OK, I'd say more but I have to take the dog out and do other things...blah...

THIS IS THERAPY

2005-05-11T17:01:00.000-04:00

I almost got run over by a car today, on the busiest road in our town.

I am an idiot for not looking at the lights.

I am in shock.

I didn't know something like that could scare me so much.

I could have DIED.

But I didn't.

We're so fragile, it's scary.

Why did God take care of me? Because he loves me...

Who am I that God would want to take care of me?

I don't know, but He did.

I'm scared of crossing roads anyway, so this has made it worse.

HUMPH.

Well, I'm alive. Yay for that...

Now if only I was happy...;)

One Moment for a Tribute...

2005-05-11T13:16:00.000-04:00

One Moment More
Mindy Smith

Hold me
Even though I know you're leaving
And show me
All the reasons you would stay
It's just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You've go to hold me and show me love

Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are
It's just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and keep me

Tell me that someday you'll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I'll believe
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really far
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really gone

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe

So hold me
Even though I know you're leaving

La la la la la laaaaaaaaaa.....

2005-05-11T09:04:00.000-04:00

So I got up late today and took a shower and I still have a towel wrapped around my head and smeared make-up under my eyes. That's about all I think of to say.

Well...

Yesterday I had a great day. I got lots of work done.

Today...I need to get this towel off my head...I hope, goes as well.

Yesterday, ballet was really fun. It always is. We finished our dance - at least, I think we're done it. :P I still have another dance to learn though, before the recital. AND...in the first dance, I have to do three cartwheels, and I don't know how to do cartwheels!! Yeah, I know, everyone learns them when they're little, but I didn't. One girl in our class showed me how, and she said I did a proper one, so I have to practice and practice at home. :) Back lawn, here I come!

You know why I never - hardly ever - write interesting posts? It's because I'm too lazy to sit down and THINK about them and then WRITE them down.

Anyway, I really need to do my hair and get to some school work.

We can't be thoroughly happy without God. I reminded myself of that last night.

Profound, I Know

2005-05-05T21:53:00.000-04:00

Neal was a bullfrog.

Neal died.

His friends and family mourned the loss greatly.

Then they got over it and everything ended

happily

ever

after.

The End

Festival Again

2005-05-04T16:57:00.000-04:00

Violin again. I got 87, but didn't place. Ah well, it was alright. I have one more violin tomorrow, but it's non-competative so I don't really care about it. :) Of course, I'll still try and play well...
So after that one more violin one I have the junior piano finals. I don't think I can win that. At the best, there will be 4 juniors, at the worst 7 or more. I'm hoping for the best. :P I think I am at least...because if it wasn't the so called best, the other performers wouldn't have done as well in their other classes...etc... Anyway I don't think I can win that because I've heard two of the people I'm going against (they beat me last piano class) and they are AMAZING. One girl, Isabella (love that name), is here for a year (going to Columbia I think) from Singapore. She's so great, I don't know if I can beat that. Probably not. She got a 90. I haven't had a 90 for soooo long. Olga says 80 - 85 is average, 86 - 89 is fairly good, and 90 and up is you-know-you're-really-good. I wish I was that. :P For the finals, I'll just play my best, and that's all I can do. :)
Got to eat,
Love you.

YAY!!!

2005-05-03T16:51:00.000-04:00

First with Morel, 88. I didn't do quite as well as last time so I thought the mark appropriate. BUT!! I got into the junior piano finals. So I'm happppppy!
Third with Vivaldi, 85. Violin. I was so not prepared to play that piece, so I was ok with that mark.
Anyway, I'm playing in another class at 7 tonight, so I have to practice and eat etc. I'll give you an update soon.

Cheers!

And So I'm Off...

2005-04-28T10:16:00.000-04:00

to the All Ontario Choir.

YAY for a weekend of fun...and music!!!!

I Love My Grandma

2005-04-26T20:27:00.000-04:00

She spent $40 on stuff from Shoppers' for me, when normally I would have had to pay for that all myself. Wow. I just asked if I could use the money and pay her back but she said it was fine! Grandma is amazing.

OK, she's not just amazing because she buys me things, though that helps. ;)

It's kinda weird, now that I think about it. I've had four grandparents forever. They're all in their 60s, with relatively good health. Life has always been lived for me with grandparents. We spent more time with Grandma and Grandpa VP when we lived in the same town as them (ages 0 - ...5 or 6...), now we're with G & G N more often because they live in Dundas (with them from ages 10 - now...). So they've all been really involved in a certain part of my life.

They still are.

Just recently I had a wonderful phone call with Grandma VP, and sometimes it's harder to talk to her than to G N because I don't know her as well, but it went really well and we talked about God and getting old and all that kind of stuff.

Grandma N took Meghan and I to all our lessons today. That's a LOT of driving. We drive to violin, she drops us off there for an hour and fifteen minutes, then she picks us up and we go get Kenton from his school, then we drop Kenton off at Olga's, then we do errands if needed in the twenty minutes before ballet, then Meghan and I get dropped off at ballet, then she goes to pick Kenton up from his lesson, then she goes home, then after an hour she comes to pick Meghan and me up from ballet, then we drop Meghan off at Olga's, then we go home, then someone (Dad did it today) has to pick Meghan up after an hour at Olga's. And that's our Tuesday.
You can imagine that that's kind of hard on Mom with all her school and stuff. Not to mention Mom was AT school in London today. So Grandma did it all. Oh, she also made us supper and a tasty dessert. She OFTEN does stuff like this for us. Grandma's always doing extra things for us, and it's amazing. I could hardly ask for a better grandparent.

I was thinking today, looking at Grandma, that she's not going to last forever. Grandpa VP's not in the best health. They're all getting older.

I'm sure most of you know that my last great-grandparent died last week. Oma was 94 years old and she had cancer. She decided, instead of doing treatments, that she was going to go off all medication and die. She didn't want to try and live a painful life doing nothing when she had already lived her life to the fullest. For about a year and a half she had been getting ready to die. She didn't want to walk, she didn't want to eat. So Oma died peacefully. Actually, most of her children were with her when she died. Pastor Pronk (married her oldest daughter) had just read the Bible and said "amen" when she took her last breath. That's a peaceful way to die I think.

But anyway, back to Grandma. I was looking at her today and I realized that she has lots of gray hair. I didn't notice that really. I know she's been under lots of stress about Oma. I mean, her mom died. I don't want my mom to die. And I don't want my Grandma to die. I don't want any of my grandparents to die. Oma's death made me think about it a bit more.

AND I don't want to get old. I don't want to sit and have nothing to do. My grandparents are young enough that they are still working (in retirement) so I want to be like that. I want to have something to do. Or perhaps I'll stay working full hours till I'm 94. *winkage for Summer and Shimmer* (Inside joke...will be nice...about a guy who was a prof and was still teaching at 94...) I don't want to sit around and knit. I don't know HOW to knit. :S

Ah well, at least I don't have to worry about myself getting old for a while. But there's always my grandparents. It's interesting, knowing that it was for sure the best thing for Oma to die. I hope it's that way with my grandparents. Also, I still have quite a few years before they reach their 90s!

I realized that I really do love all my grandparents very much. Of course, I knew that before. But spending time with Grandma N again just reminded me of it.

It's great that I still have four grandparents, and I'm going to enjoy them - and let them enjoy me - for however long I can.

Smiling!!!

2005-04-26T11:40:00.000-04:00

Guess what!

I have a violinist's mark underneath and left to my chin. I'm so proud of it because it shows that I've been practicing a lot! I haven't practiced this much for a long time, thus not having a mark before and now having one. Of course, it's kind of raw and hurts when I move my violin, but it's so worth it! Anyway, I need to get back to practicing, but I had to tell someone about my wonderful day of violin practice. *grin* I hope piano goes as well. You don't get marks from piano. Just a sore back.